You know, I just wasn't, you know,
happy with my current look.
So I'm... I'm trying something new, what do you think?
Steampunk...
or smoke-punk?
Dude, just go "Waterworld,"
take those clothes off.
Yes! I love that.
Hey, check me out, okay...
- You're a genius. - I'm here for you, man.
Stop doing what you're doing and watch me.
Okay, one, two...
- It's okay. - Almost got a record.
- Oh, shoot. - What are you doing?
- Are those my keys, man? - They are.
And I'm gonna get a record, watch.
- Shoot. - You're gonna bend my CVS card.
Ow, why are you doing that?
Do you not want me to get discounts?
- It's understandable. - You ru...
Whoa, look who it is,
Bill the Thrill.
Cool tie.
What's... what's up with that?
Cool, right?
It was actually my mom's.
See, it's a Polynesian green turtle,
found mainly in Tahiti.
Wow, Bill, you're explaining it
like we care. And we don't!
We don't, and honestly,
only Blake gets to wear stupid stuff like that.
Yeah, I am the office fashionista
and, uh, that is not a tie.
It's a loss.
That was really funny. You just thought of that?
Oh, wait a second.
Speaking of fashion,
Bill, what's with your pants 'cause
it looks like you're popping a boner!
Oh, you... you're fully engorged!
Right?
Uh, that's just how the pants lay, guys.
- Nope. - Uh, really?
Yeah, your pants lay with
a gigantic hard dick inside of them?
Uh, nah, I don't think so.
I think your little turtle
is poking its head out of its shell.
They weren't wrong.
I'd been playing pocket pool on the ride over.
And I was hard.
But these dip-[bleep] had no idea
how hard I could actually get.
Guilty as charged.
You guys are hilarious.
Thank you.
- Thank you. - We know.
- Yes. - Roasted.
Synced and corrected by MasterCookie - www.addic7ed.com -
Oh, hey, Bill, um, remember,
I need you to head to TAC-Long Beach
and return those thermal hunting vision goggle things
we borrowed for the sales demo, kay?
Yeah, topped off the tank this morning.
Well, great. Get going then.
'Cause you were late last time, and I had to deal with Roger
from TAC-LBC saying how I run a loose ship.
This ship isn't loose.
It's full of holes and sinking fast.
I'd like to toss you overboard
and let the sharks rip you apart.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that,
I think you run one hell of a tight ship, Captain.
Shut up, Bill. Kiss ass.
You want me to go with him?
Make sure he's on time,
doesn't stop off at The Wizarding World
of Harry Potter, get a butterbeer.
Stay in your lane, Tez.
This ain't the day.
Mm, good point.
Bill, Montez is going with you.
- Yeah. - God freaking damn it.
Okey-dokey, Captain, not a problem.
But it is a problem
because he's not part of the plan.
And this mission has to go exactly as planned.
There's no room for error.
There never is.
So I have Yelped the best Arby's on the way
because they got this off-menu sandwich
called "The Meat Mountain."
Bill, where the hell'd you get this super dope brief...
Don't touch that!
Sorry, I... I don't mean to yell,
- just put it in the backseat. - Okay.
Look,
I'm sorry I'm tagging along,
but I'm just having some serious marital problems
and I need to, like, bro down.
Okay, what's on your mind, my cubicle brother?
Me and Colleen, we in a bad place.
This blue car's been behind me for the last mile.
You're being paranoid, Bill.
Nobody knows the drop-off is today.
She got this whole cuckolding fantasy
where she has sex with another dude while I watch,
but we just can't find the right guy for the job.
And she think I don't want to do it,
think I'm stalling, but I want to do it.
You know how freaky I am. I'll get cuckolded.
It's pronounced "cuckolding"
but what she wants is to be hotwifed.
You think you're so freaky,
but you're as vanilla as they come.
Dude, I eat a [bleep].
You guys have some crazy life.
Hope you find the guy.
Thanks, Bill.
I just love her so much.
And what exactly
do you think you're doing, blue car?
You want to get some lunch?
Oh! Let's get that Meat Mountain.
♪ Arby's here we come ♪
Actually,
I was thinking more like...
- Chinese. - Mm.
You know, we should ask if they have any off-menu items.
Hello?
Bill, that's rude.
Okay.
3031 Factory Place.
One of your hos?
Sorry.
We should get some egg rolls.
You know what, let's get two orders of egg rolls
'cause I don't think they give us enough egg rolls.
I can tell by this order right here.
Okay, closest exit is through the kitchen.
Was he looking at me?
Did he just say my name?
Damn, she's got to be, like, 90.
Tight body though.
I wouldn't mind eating her [bleep].
- Oh! - Ow!
My... what the hell?
Briefcase! There it is.
My apologies, that was an accident.
I call bull[bleep].
You know, your apology is not gonna pay for
my man's dry cleaning.
So I think you should give us some free egg rolls
and some kung pao chicken.
Yeah, I'm sorry about the mess,
but I can't give you free food.
You better give us some free something.
'Cause you about to see my crouching tiger, hidden
wha-pow!
- Wha-pow! - Bro.
You need to calm down.
Calm down? Mother[bleep].
You just spilled some hot-ass soup on my man's nuts.
You could at least pick up the tab.
Tez, please.
Look, he's a little testy
because his wife has this cuckolding fantasy...
- Why would you tell... - She can hold my cuck anytime.
What did you say?
It's like that, huh? Huh?
- You don't want it. - Let's do this!
Oh, Bill! Goddamn!
Uh!
Where did you learn to fight?
You know you should have let me...
oh, Bill, your briefcase.
God [bleep] damn it.
Bill. God damn it.
Let me just get one egg roll for the road.
No, [bleep].
You know what? Better take five for the road,
you never know, you know what I mean?
_
Damn!
Who the hell... Bill!
Bill! Bill!
Whoa, cool, turtles.
Come on!
Ah!
Hey!
That's my friend's briefcase!
Put it down!
Oh, my God.
Well, how the... hell did he...
Don't move!
What?
Don't move!
Bill, what?
Oh!
What the...
You welcome!
He like a old-ass Spider-Man.
You're making a big mistake!
You don't know who you're stealing from!
Bill, who are these people?
- Ready? - For what?
- To fly! - Oh, my God, Bill!
Bill! Help!
I didn't make it!
Those egg rolls... [bleep]
Here, give me your other hand!
Ah, it too greasy, Bill!
The egg roll! I'm slipping.
Tell my wife I love her! Ah!
Oh, Bill?
Bill! Oh, my God, Bill.
Oh, you so strong.
God damn, Bill.
What do...
Nice catch.
You have time for a brief chat?
Bill, who are all these people?
What the hell is happening?
Sometimes I provide transportation
for certain things for certain people.
So, like, you running drugs?
I'm just the transportation.
That's definitely drugs.
Like I said, I don't know.
It's just a paycheck.
So they got paychecks in here?
I don't know what's inside!
I do it for the money.
Lots of money.
What can I say?
I like shiny things.
Gentlemen, please,
these men are playing ping-pong.
Show some respect
and shut the [bleep] up!
Oh, my God.
You don't want to tell me the code to your little briefcase?
I understand.
You are a man of great honor.
The thing is, I am a woman
of great curiosity.
So I just have to know what you got in there.
He'll never get that open.
I ordered it special from OfficeMax,
and it's got a state-of-the-art locking system.
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
Turtle eggs.
Why'd it have to be turtle eggs?
Mmm, look like a three-toed box turtle egg...
They're Polynesian green, you dumb-ass.
Three-toed box eggs are half the size.
Even better.
I can get, what, 10K a pop for these puppies?
What?
They're supposed to be quite the aphrodisiac.
Who is your buyer?
I forgot.
What a pretty face you have.
Eyebrows are a little bushy though.
Why doesn't Jimmy give you a trim?
Bill, these people ain't playing,
will you just tell 'em!
Be quiet and let me handle this.
Oh, my God.
Wait!
Wait.
It's in his back pocket on a napkin.
I saw him write it.
Shut the [bleep] up, Montez.
I'm trying to help you, Bill.
In case you haven't noticed,
this crazy bitch is trying to kill us.
It's the Triad, isn't it?
What the...
Excellent.
I always wanted to do business with them.
_
Jimmy, why don't you stay here
and have fun with your new friends?
Oh, [bleep].
And don't forget to feed the eels.
What is wrong with that bitch?
You're making a mistake!
The Triad only deals with me!
Hey, man, don't kill us.
I got a wife. I got kids.
Do you have children?
No, but I have an eel that needs to be fed.
Oh, [bleep], he got to feed his eel, Bill.
Before you kill us, there's something
you and your boss might want to know.
What's that supposed to mean?
Come here.
I don't want blabbermouth to hear.
Bill, what?
Who? Who's blabbermouth?
Okay, look,
I shouldn't be telling you this, but...
What is it?
What?
Oh, my God.
Sorry.
You were getting a little nosey.
What, nosey?
What happened, Bill? What's going on?
Ready? Go!
Get that knife, Bill.
Cut us free, Bill!
Oh, my God. Cut this [bleep]!
Ah, yeah.
Okay.
Oh, my God. Let's go.
Oh, my God, is that a nose? Why is it breathing?
Oh, my God!
God damn, Bill.
He dead.
You see the look on his face?
Total shock.
We've got something that belongs to you.
Where is Bill?
He wasn't
"eeling" well.
We only deal with Bill.
Well, I guess I can find another buyer for these.
That's what I thought.
Here.
I'm going back.
I have to free those turtle eggs.
Bill, these people gonna kill you.
Who cares about these stupid turtle eggs?
About 15 years ago, I was bodysurfing
in Teahupo, Western Tahiti.
It was a solid west swell, at least triple overhead.
I went over the falls on a set wave into the reef
and started drowning,
until a 200-year-old Polynesian green turtle
put me on his shell and rode me into shore.
That turtle saved my life.
So yeah,
I care about those eggs.
Polynesian greens,
just like you ordered.
Rumored to give the hardest erection in all of the Earth.
Maybe too hard.
Mmm.
Next weekend's orgy is going to be insane.
- Ooh. - Jamie Foxx texted me.
He says he's definitely "coming"
with like seven M's and then a water-squirt emoji at the end.
You know what that means.
- Do you know? - Oh, okay.
I would love to get in that "foxhole."
Frickin' psycho perverts,
you make me sick.
Okay, Billy Boy, you got this.
Gentlemen!
The eggs!
May we inspect the goods?
Ah, ah.
There is the small matter of the transportation fee.
We already paid the transportation fee.
Mm-hmm.
So
our offer is nein.
Nine thousand?
No.
Nein.
Nine hundred thousand?
Nein.
Like, right before ten, right after eight.
- Nope. - Stupid, you stupid?
Nope.
What we are saying is nein,
zero, zilch! I mean, it's like you...
- Ah. - Don't even know
who you're dealing with right now!
We are...
The Triad!
What the hell?
Okay, where are they?
There's one!
There's another!
That's three.
Ah... oh...
There should be one more.
There she is.
Don't move!
No!
Don't even think about it!
Ha-ha!
Thanks for coming back.
No problem, Bill. Cubicle brothers for life.
Okay, listen up!
Here's what's gonna...
happen a...
God damn it!
Cigarette, my good man?
Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna get your money back, but I'm taking those eggs.
End of story, okay?
Okay, but, you know, before you leave,
I think there might be someone
you should say hello to.
Montez, please.
They're gonna hurt me.
- Oh, that's your wife. - Colleen?
Damn, you... changed, baby.
The eggs, Bill,
or we will blow her brains all over the floor.
I'll be taking that. Thank you.
I'm going to kill the fat, ugly one.
- For some reason I hate his guts. - Yes.
Do it.
Wait a minute.
Before you kill me, I have one last wish.
My wife has this cuckolding fantasy.
It makes sense that she would want to schtupp another man.
And I said I was okay with it, but I'm really not.
What?
Baby, why wouldn't you tell me?
I was insecure,
but now that I know
that I'm the love of your life,
if it's okay with you guys,
I would like Bill
to [bleep] my wife.
Okay, wait.
I wouldn't expect you to understand.
But this is for her happiness.
Still weird for me.
No, that's cool to me.
Okay, well, I obviously don't want to watch,
but I will out of curiosity sake.
I'm watching.
Thank you, baby.
I love you.
I'll always love you.
I know, baby, go on.
Oh, and now the main event.
God,
I've been wanting you for so long.
Duh.
Bill just has this animal magnetism.
Look at the schvunker in his shorts.
Ooh.
I can't believe they shot my dick off!
Oh, my God, he's...
he's gonna bust, dude.
Oh! Oh, God, Bill!
Oh! You're the [bleep] man!
Oh, you're the best!
The best I've ever had!
Oh, never stop! Oh!
Never stop [bleep] me... e! Oh!
Oh, oh.
- Whoa. - Hot.
Boy got hips, don't he?
14 times he has brought this woman to climax.
14 times, dude.
Okay, that is 15.
That is 15.
All right. Get ready.
Here comes showtime.
Oh, Colleen.
Wait, what?
Oh, dude, I'm about to make this man jizz.
Wait.
Do you think you are about to leave?
Actually,
I think I'm about to
[bleep].
Ohh. He...
Oh, my God. That was a lot.
That was a lot, that was a lot.
On my massager.
Wow, what a dream.
Was it a dream?
Bill,
what are you doing? You haven't left yet?
You were supposed to leave an hour ago.
And what's on your pants?
Uh, milk.
Man milk.
What the [bleep] are you doing?
Nice.
Synced and corrected by MasterCookie - www.addic7ed.com -